felicula: A dark image of a week-old tabby kitten sitting in the palm of my hand. (calm felicula)
([personal profile] felicula Apr. 26th, 2010 09:43 pm)


I have such an uncertain relationship with my chest. At dinner with a friend, I was told repeatedly how lucky I was to have such large breasts. Then I saw a video of someone who'd had top surgery in drag. It was like I was looking into a mirror, in some ways. It floored me how beautiful I found that individual. I don't dream in gender, but in my wildest fantasies I don't have a gender to dream about.

The part that's newest to me, most raw, is that I don't know how to approach my own sexuality anymore. Regardless of how my hormones might rage, I don't know how I want to express it. I have experience as a woman with women or as a woman with men. I don't have a map for the territory I have crossed into.

This was never so apparent as my mental aftermath of Saturday night. I found myself in the company of two beautiful male-anatomied individuals who to random passersby appear as a gay couple. I enjoyed their philosophical conversation. I basked in their playful mischief. I let them buy me drinks. If they had come right out and asked me to go home with them, I sure as hell would have. I'm not sure if their flirting was pointed that direction, since I'm terrible at reading more into a situation than is really there. Yet, when they said they needed to walk home and I said I needed to sober up before I could drive myself home, they seemed subdued and put out.

But now I'm in a mental quandary. I have not experienced play as a gay boy. As much as it piques my curiosity and fires my imagination, I'm scared of venturing into unknown territory. The self-discovery is worthwhile, for certain. Yet, I see so much depthless sex among gay male acquaintances. To quote one of them, "I'm more than just a piece of meat." Spending time with beautiful people is all well and good, but shouldn't I be looking for something more?

Sex is so much less certain since I've rejected gender. I'm teetering on the brink of places I've never thought I could visit.

After setting my profile on OKCupid to gay and not garnering much traffic at all, I revamped my profile, then tipped back to marking as bi. Amazingly I've had more traffic from guys, girls, and androgynes alike. In the past week I've had two people contact me. Yet the same question looms: do I want to approach people as a gendered individual? If not, then how the hell do I proceed? I don't identify as my assigned gender. I don't want to be the "opposite" gender.

I've been feeling off-kilter today, and it occurred to me that I'm frightened. This limb-shaking emotion inside me is fear.

Every day is a journey to find myself, and the further I travel the further I have to go.
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