felicula | (no subject)

I've noticed a bunch of people posting links to the article about bisexuality in women. In the wake of this, one comment in

phinnia's journal got me thinking about what my bisexuality means to me. As of last Samhain, I've been dating my husband for a decade. As of January 6, I've been married to him for 9 years. We have an 8 year old son. From the outside, we look like the typical heterosexual family. Yet I get rather angry if anyone suggests that this means I am not bisexual.

Granted, these days my bisexuality takes the form of being a lech. I ogle hot women when I'm out and about, whether or not I will ever meet them. Then again, I ogle people in general. I'm a visual person, and certainly not opposed to being labeled a voyeur.

Lately,

mechanchaos and I have been discussing whether polyamory would be right for us. This has opened up my thoughts in the direction of my sexual identity as well. It has been so long since I dated women, I'd be relearning a lot if I started. I think, for me, some of it is being attracted to people, regardless of what gender the people I'm drawn to happen to be. I can remember the intensity of exploring one another's bodies with various significant others in my past. In some ways, I've "settled" into more heterotypical sexual play. A hard penis can be a straightforward hallmark of arousal, and intercourse a straightforward thing to do with it, regardless of the dominance and submission play that may go with it.

I think I need to revisit exploring my body. There are so many ways a body can be sensual with or without intercourse. Experimenting could show me all the ways I've changed over a decade. Anyone who says there aren't benefits to masturbation is missing out on pleasure and self-knowledge alike...

So, back to the bisexuality stuff... Whether or not we decide to open up our relationship, I feel my bisexuality is an important part of who I am. I feel that my relationships with women were as vital, as loving, and as valid as any of my relationships with men.

It is easy to fall into heterotypical patterns, though. It's easy not to have to explain complicated relationships to family members who may or may not be open to them. It's easy to walk down the street in obvious couplehood with my husband. It was so much tougher the day I wore my "Bisexual Not Invisible" t-shirt out and about: "What if she caught me ogling her! It's obvious that I'm not just looking at her outfit! *gasp* Yes, I'm looking at boobies!"

I probably ought to revisit this line of thinking periodically... My bisexuality is a part of who I am. I find it frustrating that bisexuality is so frequently marginalized in both the heterosexual and homosexual communities. I would like to be more "out," which is a challenge for those of us who are bi in heterosexual relationships.

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I agree, I used to totally worry about assault. I've known quite a few people who have been assaulted because of who they are. I think at some point, though... I got mad. I think I got mad at... "people in society who would assault someone for being who they are," and that the mere fact that they and their threat existed was keeping me from being myself. I got so mad, in fact, that I said, to hell with them, and dress and act how I want. Now, when I imagine being assaulted, instead of envisioning their rage and attack on me, I envision my own rage at what they do to people, and how they force people to live in fear, and my attack on them.

Somehow my attack on them seems much more focused and powerful than their paltry attack, and I always manage to beat all 4 of them. (in my mind, there are always 3 or 4 of them.)

Of course, if I'm in a really bad neighborhood, I take steps to look unattackable, and less conspicuous. I mean, if someone just wanted my wallet, they wouldn't inspire the rage that a homophobic group would. I think when I do get even the tiniest sense that someone is targeting me for how I look or whatever, now, that rage builds up in me to the point where it is quite visible... and they usually back away slowly.

Not that I've ever been approached like that... I'm just saying, if there are people hanging out in front of a store, or in a store, or somewhere like that... looking at me and sneering. They usually aren't openly sneering at me for long. I don't sneer back... it's just something in how I walk that changes. It's kind of an attack walk. Hard to explain. Very serious and angry and prepared and aware.

Or, it could just be that I'm paranoid and I imagine all of these things.

*shrugs*

sorry, hope this wasn't totally un-useful.

Slightly different context, but sounds similar:

Some women I know feel unsafe walking at night or through some parts of town, but I have a knack for holding myself more upright, more solidly, and... it might sound silly, but I invoke the feeling of an armored linebacker when I feel like I would otherwise be unsafe. I don't think I necessarily scowl or otherwise make unfriendly faces, but I also don't look approachable. It has the effect of discouraging contact from strangers in general. Perhaps it's just my imagination, but I've never had a problem with confrontation from strangers when I do that.

Sunder Sunder Help the squishies out!!

***charge, defensive stance, taunt, sunder, sunder, sunder, rend***

nothing reminds me of an armoured linebacker more than gar..

There are times when I wish I could switch Garumph from Artie's account over to ours. I miss playing him.

I can releate alot. Unfortunately I am star destroyer crewed by mashmallow peeps. I look kinda bruisery but if any one talks to me they can tell I am nervous and somewhat scared. People just saying things really get to me. Its as if they can dictate how I should feel. My chameleon tendancies kick in and I try to hide but I dont know how.

I thoght it was apropo to use peeps as something that was squishy. Then I found this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ep3jG9Vu_8s

aww.. we're a little too slow to use youtube. As soon as we get satellite, whenever that is... it will be easier. Right now, we're lucky to get 20kbps/s

Even though our dialup hits 45K on average, it's still a pain in the butt to load stuff from youtube at home... Not that that stopped me from spending most of the day Thursday loading and watching kitchy-catchy videos from Ukranian cross-dressing singer Verka Serduchka...

lol, I like that image.

I guess fortunately for me I have a lot of built up rage that kind of lies just under the surface. When I think people might hurt me, it comes up and I talk like I'd like to take their heads off... because... of course... at that point, I really would like to.

weird..