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[felicula]

I've noticed a bunch of people posting links to the article about bisexuality in women. In the wake of this, one comment in phinnia's journal got me thinking about what my bisexuality means to me. As of last Samhain, I've been dating my husband for a decade. As of January 6, I've been married to him for 9 years. We have an 8 year old son. From the outside, we look like the typical heterosexual family. Yet I get rather angry if anyone suggests that this means I am not bisexual.

Granted, these days my bisexuality takes the form of being a lech. I ogle hot women when I'm out and about, whether or not I will ever meet them. Then again, I ogle people in general. I'm a visual person, and certainly not opposed to being labeled a voyeur.

Lately, mechanchaos and I have been discussing whether polyamory would be right for us. This has opened up my thoughts in the direction of my sexual identity as well. It has been so long since I dated women, I'd be relearning a lot if I started. I think, for me, some of it is being attracted to people, regardless of what gender the people I'm drawn to happen to be. I can remember the intensity of exploring one another's bodies with various significant others in my past. In some ways, I've "settled" into more heterotypical sexual play. A hard penis can be a straightforward hallmark of arousal, and intercourse a straightforward thing to do with it, regardless of the dominance and submission play that may go with it.

I think I need to revisit exploring my body. There are so many ways a body can be sensual with or without intercourse. Experimenting could show me all the ways I've changed over a decade. Anyone who says there aren't benefits to masturbation is missing out on pleasure and self-knowledge alike...

So, back to the bisexuality stuff... Whether or not we decide to open up our relationship, I feel my bisexuality is an important part of who I am. I feel that my relationships with women were as vital, as loving, and as valid as any of my relationships with men.

It is easy to fall into heterotypical patterns, though. It's easy not to have to explain complicated relationships to family members who may or may not be open to them. It's easy to walk down the street in obvious couplehood with my husband. It was so much tougher the day I wore my "Bisexual Not Invisible" t-shirt out and about: "What if she caught me ogling her! It's obvious that I'm not just looking at her outfit! *gasp* Yes, I'm looking at boobies!"

I probably ought to revisit this line of thinking periodically... My bisexuality is a part of who I am. I find it frustrating that bisexuality is so frequently marginalized in both the heterosexual and homosexual communities. I would like to be more "out," which is a challenge for those of us who are bi in heterosexual relationships.

Comments

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

amen, amen. I've been thinking about this for years, as well. In fact, it's part of why I wear pink, and wear a rainbow badge holder at work, and have a huge rainbow stripe on my car. One of my coworkers recently said... "You're married, and you're not looking, so why the rainbow? Why advertise??"

... she just doesn't get it.

I told her I had no interest in living a lie, even if it is a lie of ommision or suggestion. Just because everything looks het and normal, and I can certainly look het and normal, doesn't mean I want people to think I am het and normal. I want people to know who I really am. If they relate to me, I want them to relate to me knowing I'm a bisexual guy who is poly. I want them, if nothing else, to know that bisexuals exist, and that we're nice, normal looking people and we have normal lives, and that we're funny and successful and make good and honest friends that you can rely on.

I always have to correct people, when they say, "Well, you're gay, so..." and I say, "No, I'm bi." They usually say... "well, close enough..." then say something else about gay people. I retort, "I'm not gay! I'm bi!"

It takes a while. I guess what it is for me is living honestly. If I relate to people, and I know that they're relating to me thinking I'm straight... then I feel like I'm lying to them. If they think I'm a little queer and a little different, but still a very nice guy, then I feel like a real person and that they are real friends, because they know the "real" me, and they like, or even love (as a friend) me anyway.

(Oh, and yeah, I get that looking at guys, thing... I feel more conspicuous looking at guys when I'm wearing a bright pink shirt or pulling out my pink Hello Kitty wallet, but still, it's somehow more satisfying to me to know that they know that I'm looking at them AND I'm queer.)

*hugses* and thanks so much for posting this... It helped me a lot to focus my thoughts.

Oh... and if you don't mind, I think I might excerpt my own comment and post it on my own blog just because I've been trying to frame this concept for quite some time.

*more hugs*
thanks!!!

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

I don't mind at all if you repost some or all of your comment.

Now that I think of it, I think it may be tough for women to "look queer." I happen to like having long hair and wearing long skirts, so I read more as pagan, goth, and/or weird than I look bi or lesbian. I sing tenor in our church choir, and love the gender ambiguity that comes when our director addresses us as, "OK, now the guys..." Our car has a rainbow cats sticker and a rainbow equality sticker on it, among its other adornments. I ought to get a pic sometime :)

Regarding gay as "close enough," I feel similarly. Neither gay nor straight are accurate terms for me. I remember the time, shortly after mechanchaos and I were married, when my Mother-in-law stated that she thought that just because I was married to him, I was straight now. Right then and there I interrupted to say that that was not the case. Bi is a part of me, not who I happen to be with regardless of the bond of marriage!

I'm usually quick to let new friends know that I'm bi. Back when I was in college, I often introduced myself with a, "Hi, I'm bi!" figuring that if that didn't scare folks off, they were cool to hang out with. These days, I am guilty of not always mentioning it to acquaintances unless the context comes up.

A relatively unrelated funny bi story: When I was college-age, I had a number of girlfriends stay with me over at my parents' house. My parents knew I was bi. We'd share my bed, sometimes rather obviously "vocal." Fast forward to when mechanchaos stayed over for the first time. My folks were horrified, insisting that we shouldn't stay in the same room. I mention previous girlfriends. They said, "that's different!" I gave them a knowing look saying, "No, it's not." At that point, they insisted that, Fine, no one could share my room from then on. Even after mechanchaos and I were engaged and I was pregnant with my son, it wasn't until the morning of our wedding that my Dad said we'd be allowed to share a room in their house!

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

rofl... omg. It's funny how people will cling to their own understanding of who you are, despite evidence to the contrary, until you sometimes have to force them to confront the truth! Cute, protective parents.. well, kinda overprotective, but I guess you knew that already. ;)))

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

I think as much as it was protective of them, I think part of it was the Catholic, suburban, what-would-the-neighbors-think? side of them too. I think it's hilarious, as much as it was annoying at the time. :)

I think living with them was strong motivation for me to reject the idea that looks were more important than what was underneath. I'd rather be who I am and how I feel than try to look like I "ought" to look and act like I "ought" to. (Besides, what that "ought" to be depends on who I talk to... everyone seems to have a different opinion on that!) The best part about being an adult has been finding out that there are actually a goodly number of folks who also believe in straightforwardness.

[mechanchaos.livejournal.com]

I dont have the guts or I am too programmed at this point by the idea of normal to show who I am. So unfortunately I rarely show anyone who I am. I realize that I am not bi or gay for that matter. I have cross dressed but I dont really make a practice of it. Its mainly because of my own lazyness. So I could be more me if I really have any idea what that is. I guess I am afraid of my cloaking device failing. Then I would need to deal with questions and possible assault. Both my mom and brother are not as open as I orinially thought so I wonder what they would think. I guess I dont let many people close to me and I am afraid to say to my family "This is the way I am either deal with it or I won't deal with you." You know most of this already. Its weird to be in flux.

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

I realize that it's a tricky spot to be in. I think I've mentioned that you won't really know how they'll react unless you let them in and see what their real reactions are. It's scary and uncertain. The imagination is capable of showing the things you are most afraid of, whether or not that is really how they would react.

It is my hope that you will take whatever time you need to figure yourself out. In the course of being Mom and Dad to Aidan, we've both lost sight somewhat of that which makes us ourselves. I hope you trust me with what you learn about yourself, and I hope I can give you the time and space you need to figure things out. I love you. I loved our conversations yesterday, and I think last night was enriched by it. :)

[mechanchaos.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed talking yesterday alot! It was helpful to get a lot of things off my chest. Some of it may be things I said before but I think we needed to the time to reasess even just for a little bit where we are. I hope I can also let you grow how you need to. I tend to close of myself to protect myself. I guess I need to be more brave.

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

I agree. Reassessment is a good thing. I don't think saying things more than once is a bad thing, rather it helps stuff stay in the memory! I hope I can provide the support you need to feel like you are more protected without closing yourself off. Bravery can be easier said than done. I'm here for you. ***kisses***

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

I agree, I used to totally worry about assault. I've known quite a few people who have been assaulted because of who they are. I think at some point, though... I got mad. I think I got mad at... "people in society who would assault someone for being who they are," and that the mere fact that they and their threat existed was keeping me from being myself. I got so mad, in fact, that I said, to hell with them, and dress and act how I want. Now, when I imagine being assaulted, instead of envisioning their rage and attack on me, I envision my own rage at what they do to people, and how they force people to live in fear, and my attack on them.

Somehow my attack on them seems much more focused and powerful than their paltry attack, and I always manage to beat all 4 of them. (in my mind, there are always 3 or 4 of them.)

Of course, if I'm in a really bad neighborhood, I take steps to look unattackable, and less conspicuous. I mean, if someone just wanted my wallet, they wouldn't inspire the rage that a homophobic group would. I think when I do get even the tiniest sense that someone is targeting me for how I look or whatever, now, that rage builds up in me to the point where it is quite visible... and they usually back away slowly.

Not that I've ever been approached like that... I'm just saying, if there are people hanging out in front of a store, or in a store, or somewhere like that... looking at me and sneering. They usually aren't openly sneering at me for long. I don't sneer back... it's just something in how I walk that changes. It's kind of an attack walk. Hard to explain. Very serious and angry and prepared and aware.

Or, it could just be that I'm paranoid and I imagine all of these things.

*shrugs*

sorry, hope this wasn't totally un-useful.

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

Slightly different context, but sounds similar:

Some women I know feel unsafe walking at night or through some parts of town, but I have a knack for holding myself more upright, more solidly, and... it might sound silly, but I invoke the feeling of an armored linebacker when I feel like I would otherwise be unsafe. I don't think I necessarily scowl or otherwise make unfriendly faces, but I also don't look approachable. It has the effect of discouraging contact from strangers in general. Perhaps it's just my imagination, but I've never had a problem with confrontation from strangers when I do that.

[mechanchaos.livejournal.com]

Sunder Sunder Help the squishies out!!

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

***charge, defensive stance, taunt, sunder, sunder, sunder, rend***

[mechanchaos.livejournal.com]

nothing reminds me of an armoured linebacker more than gar..

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

There are times when I wish I could switch Garumph from Artie's account over to ours. I miss playing him.

[mechanchaos.livejournal.com]

I can releate alot. Unfortunately I am star destroyer crewed by mashmallow peeps. I look kinda bruisery but if any one talks to me they can tell I am nervous and somewhat scared. People just saying things really get to me. Its as if they can dictate how I should feel. My chameleon tendancies kick in and I try to hide but I dont know how.

[mechanchaos.livejournal.com]

I thoght it was apropo to use peeps as something that was squishy. Then I found this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ep3jG9Vu_8s

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

aww.. we're a little too slow to use youtube. As soon as we get satellite, whenever that is... it will be easier. Right now, we're lucky to get 20kbps/s

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

Even though our dialup hits 45K on average, it's still a pain in the butt to load stuff from youtube at home... Not that that stopped me from spending most of the day Thursday loading and watching kitchy-catchy videos from Ukranian cross-dressing singer Verka Serduchka...

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

lol, I like that image.

I guess fortunately for me I have a lot of built up rage that kind of lies just under the surface. When I think people might hurt me, it comes up and I talk like I'd like to take their heads off... because... of course... at that point, I really would like to.

weird..