(no subject)

[felicula]

I've noticed a bunch of people posting links to the article about bisexuality in women. In the wake of this, one comment in phinnia's journal got me thinking about what my bisexuality means to me. As of last Samhain, I've been dating my husband for a decade. As of January 6, I've been married to him for 9 years. We have an 8 year old son. From the outside, we look like the typical heterosexual family. Yet I get rather angry if anyone suggests that this means I am not bisexual.

Granted, these days my bisexuality takes the form of being a lech. I ogle hot women when I'm out and about, whether or not I will ever meet them. Then again, I ogle people in general. I'm a visual person, and certainly not opposed to being labeled a voyeur.

Lately, mechanchaos and I have been discussing whether polyamory would be right for us. This has opened up my thoughts in the direction of my sexual identity as well. It has been so long since I dated women, I'd be relearning a lot if I started. I think, for me, some of it is being attracted to people, regardless of what gender the people I'm drawn to happen to be. I can remember the intensity of exploring one another's bodies with various significant others in my past. In some ways, I've "settled" into more heterotypical sexual play. A hard penis can be a straightforward hallmark of arousal, and intercourse a straightforward thing to do with it, regardless of the dominance and submission play that may go with it.

I think I need to revisit exploring my body. There are so many ways a body can be sensual with or without intercourse. Experimenting could show me all the ways I've changed over a decade. Anyone who says there aren't benefits to masturbation is missing out on pleasure and self-knowledge alike...

So, back to the bisexuality stuff... Whether or not we decide to open up our relationship, I feel my bisexuality is an important part of who I am. I feel that my relationships with women were as vital, as loving, and as valid as any of my relationships with men.

It is easy to fall into heterotypical patterns, though. It's easy not to have to explain complicated relationships to family members who may or may not be open to them. It's easy to walk down the street in obvious couplehood with my husband. It was so much tougher the day I wore my "Bisexual Not Invisible" t-shirt out and about: "What if she caught me ogling her! It's obvious that I'm not just looking at her outfit! *gasp* Yes, I'm looking at boobies!"

I probably ought to revisit this line of thinking periodically... My bisexuality is a part of who I am. I find it frustrating that bisexuality is so frequently marginalized in both the heterosexual and homosexual communities. I would like to be more "out," which is a challenge for those of us who are bi in heterosexual relationships.

Comments

[siegeengine.livejournal.com]

amen, amen. I've been thinking about this for years, as well. In fact, it's part of why I wear pink, and wear a rainbow badge holder at work, and have a huge rainbow stripe on my car. One of my coworkers recently said... "You're married, and you're not looking, so why the rainbow? Why advertise??"

... she just doesn't get it.

I told her I had no interest in living a lie, even if it is a lie of ommision or suggestion. Just because everything looks het and normal, and I can certainly look het and normal, doesn't mean I want people to think I am het and normal. I want people to know who I really am. If they relate to me, I want them to relate to me knowing I'm a bisexual guy who is poly. I want them, if nothing else, to know that bisexuals exist, and that we're nice, normal looking people and we have normal lives, and that we're funny and successful and make good and honest friends that you can rely on.

I always have to correct people, when they say, "Well, you're gay, so..." and I say, "No, I'm bi." They usually say... "well, close enough..." then say something else about gay people. I retort, "I'm not gay! I'm bi!"

It takes a while. I guess what it is for me is living honestly. If I relate to people, and I know that they're relating to me thinking I'm straight... then I feel like I'm lying to them. If they think I'm a little queer and a little different, but still a very nice guy, then I feel like a real person and that they are real friends, because they know the "real" me, and they like, or even love (as a friend) me anyway.

(Oh, and yeah, I get that looking at guys, thing... I feel more conspicuous looking at guys when I'm wearing a bright pink shirt or pulling out my pink Hello Kitty wallet, but still, it's somehow more satisfying to me to know that they know that I'm looking at them AND I'm queer.)

*hugses* and thanks so much for posting this... It helped me a lot to focus my thoughts.

Oh... and if you don't mind, I think I might excerpt my own comment and post it on my own blog just because I've been trying to frame this concept for quite some time.

*more hugs*
thanks!!!

[mechanchaos.livejournal.com]

I dont have the guts or I am too programmed at this point by the idea of normal to show who I am. So unfortunately I rarely show anyone who I am. I realize that I am not bi or gay for that matter. I have cross dressed but I dont really make a practice of it. Its mainly because of my own lazyness. So I could be more me if I really have any idea what that is. I guess I am afraid of my cloaking device failing. Then I would need to deal with questions and possible assault. Both my mom and brother are not as open as I orinially thought so I wonder what they would think. I guess I dont let many people close to me and I am afraid to say to my family "This is the way I am either deal with it or I won't deal with you." You know most of this already. Its weird to be in flux.