felicula | (no subject)

I doubt I can really explain the entirety of what's been going on in my head for the past few months. Some of you, if you read

mechanchaos may have noticed him mention the crux of my issues.

Over time, I seem to be sliding up the Kinsey scale. In other words, I suspect I may be lesbian rather than bisexual.

This... is weird for me to wrap my head around. For fourteen years now, nearly half my life, I have been comfortable with being bisexual. In my heart of hearts, it felt right to me to champion the idea of not having to "pick a side," to uphold love wherever that love might fall.

I'm not entirely certain when I started to shift. Was it the stuff that went down in May? Was it the tragic loss in September? When

mechanchaos and I went to several ImageOut films, I noticed that they resonated clearly and vividly with me. I re-examined the relationships I'd held prior to my marriage to

mechanchaos. I noticed that I was the most deeply committed in two of my relationships. Both were women. I found myself drawn to and noticing strong women around me. Sexually, I have been having difficulty being aroused by the male body or by a penis.

Even more confusing, I still love and deeply care for my husband, despite my problems in the bedroom. I worry if this is "just a phase" I'm going through. My Mother-in-Law seemed convinced that I felt this way just because I'm still deeply grieving over

keepersrosered's death. But that didn't feel like truth when she said it. Yes, I am still grieving. I am not convinced this would not have happened without it as a trigger.

Those Buffy fans among you may recognize the tune in my head. "Where do we go from here?"

I don't have an answer to that. Come January 6, my marriage will have survived a decade. When I think of the possibility of

mechanchaos not being in my life, I feel sadness and a sense of loss. I feel a hole where something's missing, were we to go our separate ways. Yet, I feel less than whole anyways.

Anyhow, we're making no decisions yet. We're talking as much as, if not more than ever. We're considering what options there are, talking about perhaps exploring polyamory. We're talking seriously about what might happen if things don't work out in the long run.

In any case... can any of you recommend some good lesbian pornography? (I have a feeling that

mechanchaos and I would both get something out of watching it...) I keep finding crap on the intarwebs where the girls look like they can barely stomach what they're doing. I'd rather see realistic women who look like they know and enjoy what their doing.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Umm, okay, so for the entirely unserious response to this entry in regards to your porn request. I HIGHLY recommend the Crash Pad series.
http://crashpadseries.com/
So friggin hot!

A bit more serious...sexual identity can be tricky, especially in this day and age where there seem to be way more options than when we were youngins'. I have often wondered if I am actually a lesbian but then some cute guy with long hair will walk by and I'll think "I want some of that." But on the other hand my relationships with women (far too few sadly) have been much more emotionally rewarding then the ones with men.

My point? I gave up trying to decide what I am ages ago. Why do I have to be something? I just follow my heart and my hormones and see where it takes me.

Good luck and if I can help at all let me know.

Sadly, I'm on dial-up and not having good luck loading those. One of these days I'll have a better connection. :P

I used to believe that myself. Why do I have to choose? Why should anyone have to wear a label, to join a side, to limit themselves? I figured that sexuality was better as a "Yes, please!" rather than a this or a that.

One of the things that shocked me most was realizing that I wasn't as comfortable with not choosing as I used to be. Hell, for years I have believed strongly that no one should have to choose, that if more people would just relax and forget about labels, we'd all be a lot happier. Until it stopped making me feel happier. It is one of the most disorienting feelings, realizing that it didn't make me feel happier anymore.

And then there's the irony of caring deeply about my husband. It's enough to keep my head and heart spinning like a top. Hopefully time, personal exploration, and continued straightforward communication will help.