I doubt I can really explain the entirety of what's been going on in my head for the past few months. Some of you, if you read
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Over time, I seem to be sliding up the Kinsey scale. In other words, I suspect I may be lesbian rather than bisexual.
This... is weird for me to wrap my head around. For fourteen years now, nearly half my life, I have been comfortable with being bisexual. In my heart of hearts, it felt right to me to champion the idea of not having to "pick a side," to uphold love wherever that love might fall.
I'm not entirely certain when I started to shift. Was it the stuff that went down in May? Was it the tragic loss in September? When
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Even more confusing, I still love and deeply care for my husband, despite my problems in the bedroom. I worry if this is "just a phase" I'm going through. My Mother-in-Law seemed convinced that I felt this way just because I'm still deeply grieving over
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Those Buffy fans among you may recognize the tune in my head. "Where do we go from here?"
I don't have an answer to that. Come January 6, my marriage will have survived a decade. When I think of the possibility of
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Anyhow, we're making no decisions yet. We're talking as much as, if not more than ever. We're considering what options there are, talking about perhaps exploring polyamory. We're talking seriously about what might happen if things don't work out in the long run.
In any case... can any of you recommend some good lesbian pornography? (I have a feeling that
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*hugtight*
Do you mind if I pass this along to someone who might have some suggestions on the last point?
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*hugs back*
I don't mind if you pass it along. This one's public.
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I trust that everything will work out just how it's supposed to and that you and your family will be okay.
*Hugs & Love*
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It feels so weird for me to be noodling around figuring myself out now. I thought I had my sexuality nailed. I'd been so comfortable with my orientation for so long. In any case, having friends who are caring and supportive helps lots.
*hugs more*
I'd never seen "The L Word," but after both you and
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If jealousy isn't an issue, I would definitely recommend exploring poly - have your cake and eat it too, so to speak.
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Not sure what we'll end up doing, but we keep on talking. I try my best to reassure him that I'm not heading off anywhere with anyone. I think we need to examine all the options we can think of, perhaps some we haven't thought of, and try to find the best one out of 'em all.
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We often crave foods when our body is missing a certain nutrient and then once we have filled up on it our food preferences go back to normal, but I look on this more like nourishment for the heart, libido and soul.
In my case it wasn't so much that I was different, just that I needed something in addition to what I had to sustain me.
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It's been 11 years since I've been with a woman I loved. That's a long time to go with a deficiency in my "diet."
Yet, I love him. I care about him. He knows me better than anyone. I value the conversations we have, the snuggles we share, the time just hanging out. I feel awful saying that this leaves me incomplete... But it does.
*hugs* Thank you for reading and for sharing.
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Communication
The more I'm with Holly, the less I could care about male attention and stimulation, in general. Occasionally, I crave cock, but it's more about owning my own than having one in me. Of course, there are *particular* males that do it for me, and if I ever wanted to get my groove thang on with a penis actually *attached* to a guy, she'd probably only fuss if I didn't let her hold the camera.
Mind you, the more I'm with Holly, the less I could care about sex with other women, too. I'm pretty much set with just *her*, but I'm lucky like that.
Exploration and honest self-awareness will probably help you figure out if this is 'a phase' or if it's something more lasting. And hell, phases can be fun, anyhow. And short. Or decades long. Curiosity regarding sexuality is only a bad thing if it's coupled with shame. Since you seem to be sans the whole 'ZOMG THAR IZ SUMTHING RONG WIF ME', I think you talking with
You have our love, our trust, our support, understanding, and hopefully our phone number, in the case of needing anything.
And as far as Lesbian Porn goes: L WORD. Seriously. None of it's hardcore, and a lot of it has crazyass drama, but it's deliciously scintillating sex, almost entirely woman-on-woman, though occasionally there's a penis thrown in, and sometimes a tranny, for color.
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Re: Communication
Still, it's hard to say it. To say "lesbian" and point it at me. I guess that means I have some latent homophobia hiding in there that I need to admit to and face. But, the more I stare down the possibility, the more I take a hard look at my feelings, the more I swish the taste of the word around in my mouth... It feels better. It feels like I'm starting to get to know myself all over again.
It's a weird feeling. Confusion is a good word for it, this realizing that I'd lost touch with myself and trying to capture the elusive details, to pin them down in front of me where I can examine them, where I can give them names.
In search of lesbian porn,
The talking will definitely continue, as will my introspection, and whatever forms my personal exploration will take. I think the watching is helpful. It gives me a way to gauge my reaction to things without extramarital dabbling.
I appreciate hearing things from your perspective, and I value your support. In all honesty I don't know if I have your phone number, but I suspect
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I completly understand
There are many women that I am drawn to and really his body does not turn me on some times. In fact, the male body is not that appealling to me at all.
Now we are in a monogomous relationship. He told me if I ever wanted a girlfriend for play to go ahead, but I can not find it in me to do that. I do miss the touch of a woman, the taste, the smell, the reaction, all of it.
It is hard at times, hang in there. I found Lester to be my completion and best friend. And the sexual urges come and go. For me the mental connection and the heart connection do so much more then the sexual. Though that is nice too! It will work out. Just keep talking through it, be open, and be honest.
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Do you mind if I ask, how do you do it? Is there anything in particular that helps the two of you bridge the gap sexually? You said that the mental and emotional connection do more for you than the sexual. Are you able to achieve a sense of wholeness and completeness in your relationship?
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. It helps me to hear your perspective, and those of the others who have offered me their feelings and their support. Your straightforward words help me stay straightforward with myself as I work to understand what I'm feeling.
*hugs*
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Re: I completly understand
*hugs back* and I hope this makes since and it is not the type of life everyone can do.
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http://crashpadseries.com/
So friggin hot!
A bit more serious...sexual identity can be tricky, especially in this day and age where there seem to be way more options than when we were youngins'. I have often wondered if I am actually a lesbian but then some cute guy with long hair will walk by and I'll think "I want some of that." But on the other hand my relationships with women (far too few sadly) have been much more emotionally rewarding then the ones with men.
My point? I gave up trying to decide what I am ages ago. Why do I have to be something? I just follow my heart and my hormones and see where it takes me.
Good luck and if I can help at all let me know.
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I used to believe that myself. Why do I have to choose? Why should anyone have to wear a label, to join a side, to limit themselves? I figured that sexuality was better as a "Yes, please!" rather than a this or a that.
One of the things that shocked me most was realizing that I wasn't as comfortable with not choosing as I used to be. Hell, for years I have believed strongly that no one should have to choose, that if more people would just relax and forget about labels, we'd all be a lot happier. Until it stopped making me feel happier. It is one of the most disorienting feelings, realizing that it didn't make me feel happier anymore.
And then there's the irony of caring deeply about my husband. It's enough to keep my head and heart spinning like a top. Hopefully time, personal exploration, and continued straightforward communication will help.
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It'll all be ok as long as you guys love each other, are honest with each other, and be gentle with each other. The same goes for with yourselves, by the way. :)
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We're doing our best to keep things straightforward and open, caring and close. It's a funky time for us both, but it helps to be able to talk about it.
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*huggles back* It'll definitely take time and work. At least talking about it helps, as does sharing it with folks beyond our household. *huggles more*
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Polyamory
*hugs*