(no subject)

[felicula]

I doubt I can really explain the entirety of what's been going on in my head for the past few months. Some of you, if you read mechanchaos may have noticed him mention the crux of my issues.

Over time, I seem to be sliding up the Kinsey scale. In other words, I suspect I may be lesbian rather than bisexual.

This... is weird for me to wrap my head around. For fourteen years now, nearly half my life, I have been comfortable with being bisexual. In my heart of hearts, it felt right to me to champion the idea of not having to "pick a side," to uphold love wherever that love might fall.

I'm not entirely certain when I started to shift. Was it the stuff that went down in May? Was it the tragic loss in September? When mechanchaos and I went to several ImageOut films, I noticed that they resonated clearly and vividly with me. I re-examined the relationships I'd held prior to my marriage to mechanchaos. I noticed that I was the most deeply committed in two of my relationships. Both were women. I found myself drawn to and noticing strong women around me. Sexually, I have been having difficulty being aroused by the male body or by a penis.

Even more confusing, I still love and deeply care for my husband, despite my problems in the bedroom. I worry if this is "just a phase" I'm going through. My Mother-in-Law seemed convinced that I felt this way just because I'm still deeply grieving over keepersrosered's death. But that didn't feel like truth when she said it. Yes, I am still grieving. I am not convinced this would not have happened without it as a trigger.

Those Buffy fans among you may recognize the tune in my head. "Where do we go from here?"

I don't have an answer to that. Come January 6, my marriage will have survived a decade. When I think of the possibility of mechanchaos not being in my life, I feel sadness and a sense of loss. I feel a hole where something's missing, were we to go our separate ways. Yet, I feel less than whole anyways.

Anyhow, we're making no decisions yet. We're talking as much as, if not more than ever. We're considering what options there are, talking about perhaps exploring polyamory. We're talking seriously about what might happen if things don't work out in the long run.

In any case... can any of you recommend some good lesbian pornography? (I have a feeling that mechanchaos and I would both get something out of watching it...) I keep finding crap on the intarwebs where the girls look like they can barely stomach what they're doing. I'd rather see realistic women who look like they know and enjoy what their doing.

Comments

[phoenixsong]

Self-identity is a weird thing, isn't it?

*hugtight*

Do you mind if I pass this along to someone who might have some suggestions on the last point?

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

It really, really is a weird thing.

*hugs back*

I don't mind if you pass it along. This one's public.

[flnerd.livejournal.com]

I think about you and your situation often, if there's anything I can do to help just let me know. I don't know any strictly lesbian pornography that isn't included in a hetero dvd, but The L Word is sexy and realistic and has some great soft porn moments that every woman lover I know drools over. Have you seen it? Otherwise Michele has a rather extensive collection of lesbian literature and I'm sure she'd be happy to let you borrow some books at your leisure.

I trust that everything will work out just how it's supposed to and that you and your family will be okay.

*Hugs & Love*

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

It feels so weird for me to be noodling around figuring myself out now. I thought I had my sexuality nailed. I'd been so comfortable with my orientation for so long. In any case, having friends who are caring and supportive helps lots.

*hugs more*

I'd never seen "The L Word," but after both you and thenowhere recommended, I rented the first two discs of Season 1. I can totally see what you mean! mechanchaos seems to like watching too.

[marared.livejournal.com]

Allow me to mention that I know (or know of) at least three women who identify as one thing, but married the opposite, just because that was what their soulmates happened to be. Two are lesbian, one is hetero. And yeah, there is apparently a lot of confusion and a lot of people around them going "wtf," but that's what felt right for them in the end.

If jealousy isn't an issue, I would definitely recommend exploring poly - have your cake and eat it too, so to speak.

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

In my own beliefs, I don't think the term "soulmate" necessitates a singular individual. I believe that many people can be one another's soulmates. On the other hand, I also believe in the vows I made when I got married. On my nonexistent alien third hand I think poly could have potential.

Not sure what we'll end up doing, but we keep on talking. I try my best to reassure him that I'm not heading off anywhere with anyone. I think we need to examine all the options we can think of, perhaps some we haven't thought of, and try to find the best one out of 'em all.

[tearsinger.livejournal.com]

I was feeling similarly when I was married. I had a whole lot of hmmm and oh no and mostly didn't talk about it. It ended up being more like a craving than anything else and once I glutted myself on the girl lovin' and then took a look back at my sexuality a bit I found it remarkably like it had been before the crisis.

We often crave foods when our body is missing a certain nutrient and then once we have filled up on it our food preferences go back to normal, but I look on this more like nourishment for the heart, libido and soul.

In my case it wasn't so much that I was different, just that I needed something in addition to what I had to sustain me.

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your nutrition metaphor. It makes sense to me.

It's been 11 years since I've been with a woman I loved. That's a long time to go with a deficiency in my "diet." mechanchaos crosses, and I love those moments when he doesn't need a lick of makeup for his face to radiate girlishness, but ultimately it's not the same thing.

Yet, I love him. I care about him. He knows me better than anyone. I value the conversations we have, the snuggles we share, the time just hanging out. I feel awful saying that this leaves me incomplete... But it does.

*hugs* Thank you for reading and for sharing.

Communication

[thenowhere.livejournal.com]

I think it's brave to talk about it in public, and both amazingly accepting and loving of your husband to do his best to understand what you're going through, and what that means your family is going through.

The more I'm with Holly, the less I could care about male attention and stimulation, in general. Occasionally, I crave cock, but it's more about owning my own than having one in me. Of course, there are *particular* males that do it for me, and if I ever wanted to get my groove thang on with a penis actually *attached* to a guy, she'd probably only fuss if I didn't let her hold the camera.

Mind you, the more I'm with Holly, the less I could care about sex with other women, too. I'm pretty much set with just *her*, but I'm lucky like that.

Exploration and honest self-awareness will probably help you figure out if this is 'a phase' or if it's something more lasting. And hell, phases can be fun, anyhow. And short. Or decades long. Curiosity regarding sexuality is only a bad thing if it's coupled with shame. Since you seem to be sans the whole 'ZOMG THAR IZ SUMTHING RONG WIF ME', I think you talking with mechanchaos and taking steps (whatever those steps may be) to understanding yourself is a very healthy plan. Though I have to imagine you're feeling confused, kudos at least, to having a good perspective from which to start.

You have our love, our trust, our support, understanding, and hopefully our phone number, in the case of needing anything.

And as far as Lesbian Porn goes: L WORD. Seriously. None of it's hardcore, and a lot of it has crazyass drama, but it's deliciously scintillating sex, almost entirely woman-on-woman, though occasionally there's a penis thrown in, and sometimes a tranny, for color.

Re: Communication

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

Once I got the clue that I was bi back in the fall of 1993, I accepted that as my sexual orientation. I think if I was going to get hung up about liking girls, it would have been then. I remember coming out to my friends. I assumed people wouldn't understand, braced myself for the worst, but once the abruptness of my announcement passed nothing had changed but my openness.

Still, it's hard to say it. To say "lesbian" and point it at me. I guess that means I have some latent homophobia hiding in there that I need to admit to and face. But, the more I stare down the possibility, the more I take a hard look at my feelings, the more I swish the taste of the word around in my mouth... It feels better. It feels like I'm starting to get to know myself all over again.

It's a weird feeling. Confusion is a good word for it, this realizing that I'd lost touch with myself and trying to capture the elusive details, to pin them down in front of me where I can examine them, where I can give them names.

In search of lesbian porn, mechanchaos and I went to a local pride / video store. Amid the racks and racks of cocks and pretty-boy butts, there were a scant handful of boxes with Teh Wimmins in them. Outlandish also carries "gay interest" movies and shows, so I came home with the first two discs of the first season of "The L Word." I see what you mean. Damn that's some drool-worthy watching!

The talking will definitely continue, as will my introspection, and whatever forms my personal exploration will take. I think the watching is helpful. It gives me a way to gauge my reaction to things without extramarital dabbling.

I appreciate hearing things from your perspective, and I value your support. In all honesty I don't know if I have your phone number, but I suspect dawnstar has it if I get past my phone-loathing enough to talk to you in voice rather than type.

I completly understand

[lesyoyo.livejournal.com]

No really, for about 6 years I was content on being just a lesbian. I swore I would never be with a guy again. I swore I would never marry. Well, this coming May I will have been married to my husband for 5 years. We will have been together 6. It is hard for me to understand it sometimes.

There are many women that I am drawn to and really his body does not turn me on some times. In fact, the male body is not that appealling to me at all.

Now we are in a monogomous relationship. He told me if I ever wanted a girlfriend for play to go ahead, but I can not find it in me to do that. I do miss the touch of a woman, the taste, the smell, the reaction, all of it.

It is hard at times, hang in there. I found Lester to be my completion and best friend. And the sexual urges come and go. For me the mental connection and the heart connection do so much more then the sexual. Though that is nice too! It will work out. Just keep talking through it, be open, and be honest.

Re: I completly understand

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

It's funny when I look back at my own tastes. I'll find some guys attractive in their faces, but when it comes down to it, I'm not fond of the male body. At the risk of providing TMI, there were times in my past when I reveled in straight sex, but too many of those times I was more interested in taking my orgasm than what the guy I was with was feeling.

Do you mind if I ask, how do you do it? Is there anything in particular that helps the two of you bridge the gap sexually? You said that the mental and emotional connection do more for you than the sexual. Are you able to achieve a sense of wholeness and completeness in your relationship?

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. It helps me to hear your perspective, and those of the others who have offered me their feelings and their support. Your straightforward words help me stay straightforward with myself as I work to understand what I'm feeling.

*hugs*

Re: I completly understand

[lesyoyo.livejournal.com]

Well, how do we do it? I don't really know how to explain, we just love each other and talk. We cuddle alot and do things that we both enjoy. As far as sexually bridging the gap, well, sex to us is something that we don't do all the time. We are unusual in the sence we go sometime months with out doing anything. Like now the last time was 2 months before Ike hit. We do tell each other often we love each other, kiss, and hold each other. We allow sex to happen when it does natually and not just cause one has an urge and the other doesn't. I feel completly whole with him and don't think I could live with out him.
*hugs back* and I hope this makes since and it is not the type of life everyone can do.

Re: I completly understand

[lesyoyo.livejournal.com]

Oh and for me, I feel time using that energy else where some times. Like working on decorating the house, working on my DP work, writing, and occasionally when my urge will not go away, there is always BOB....lol.

[octoberland.livejournal.com]

Umm, okay, so for the entirely unserious response to this entry in regards to your porn request. I HIGHLY recommend the Crash Pad series.
http://crashpadseries.com/
So friggin hot!

A bit more serious...sexual identity can be tricky, especially in this day and age where there seem to be way more options than when we were youngins'. I have often wondered if I am actually a lesbian but then some cute guy with long hair will walk by and I'll think "I want some of that." But on the other hand my relationships with women (far too few sadly) have been much more emotionally rewarding then the ones with men.

My point? I gave up trying to decide what I am ages ago. Why do I have to be something? I just follow my heart and my hormones and see where it takes me.

Good luck and if I can help at all let me know.

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

Sadly, I'm on dial-up and not having good luck loading those. One of these days I'll have a better connection. :P

I used to believe that myself. Why do I have to choose? Why should anyone have to wear a label, to join a side, to limit themselves? I figured that sexuality was better as a "Yes, please!" rather than a this or a that.

One of the things that shocked me most was realizing that I wasn't as comfortable with not choosing as I used to be. Hell, for years I have believed strongly that no one should have to choose, that if more people would just relax and forget about labels, we'd all be a lot happier. Until it stopped making me feel happier. It is one of the most disorienting feelings, realizing that it didn't make me feel happier anymore.

And then there's the irony of caring deeply about my husband. It's enough to keep my head and heart spinning like a top. Hopefully time, personal exploration, and continued straightforward communication will help.

[cydira.livejournal.com]

If you want some one to listen while you vocalize some stress or something, give me a holler. Dan and I have kinda been at a similar place to where you and you two are not so long ago. my AIM id is the same as my LJ id. if you want, i can give you my phone # so we can talk, rather then wait until we're all out in Buffalo again. *hugs*

It'll all be ok as long as you guys love each other, are honest with each other, and be gentle with each other. The same goes for with yourselves, by the way. :)

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

I'm on AIM with the same user name as I have on here as well.

We're doing our best to keep things straightforward and open, caring and close. It's a funky time for us both, but it helps to be able to talk about it.

[midnightsadness.livejournal.com]

*huggels* can try things at kink.com if you dont mind paying for sites. With the other stuff i say *huggels* and you two will figure things out.

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

I stumbled over a site called cyberdykes that looked interesting, were I up for pay stuff, but with dialup, I'm not interested in forking out the cash.

*huggles back* It'll definitely take time and work. At least talking about it helps, as does sharing it with folks beyond our household. *huggles more*

Polyamory

[athenamsb.livejournal.com]

If you have any questions or want to talk about polyamory, I am open to discussion. My husband and I have been poly for almost four years. (I am bi, he is straight.) I hope you can find peace on your journey. This one is all uphill and can be lonely at times when you think no one really understands.

*hugs*