(no subject)

[felicula]

I doubt I can really explain the entirety of what's been going on in my head for the past few months. Some of you, if you read mechanchaos may have noticed him mention the crux of my issues.

Over time, I seem to be sliding up the Kinsey scale. In other words, I suspect I may be lesbian rather than bisexual.

This... is weird for me to wrap my head around. For fourteen years now, nearly half my life, I have been comfortable with being bisexual. In my heart of hearts, it felt right to me to champion the idea of not having to "pick a side," to uphold love wherever that love might fall.

I'm not entirely certain when I started to shift. Was it the stuff that went down in May? Was it the tragic loss in September? When mechanchaos and I went to several ImageOut films, I noticed that they resonated clearly and vividly with me. I re-examined the relationships I'd held prior to my marriage to mechanchaos. I noticed that I was the most deeply committed in two of my relationships. Both were women. I found myself drawn to and noticing strong women around me. Sexually, I have been having difficulty being aroused by the male body or by a penis.

Even more confusing, I still love and deeply care for my husband, despite my problems in the bedroom. I worry if this is "just a phase" I'm going through. My Mother-in-Law seemed convinced that I felt this way just because I'm still deeply grieving over keepersrosered's death. But that didn't feel like truth when she said it. Yes, I am still grieving. I am not convinced this would not have happened without it as a trigger.

Those Buffy fans among you may recognize the tune in my head. "Where do we go from here?"

I don't have an answer to that. Come January 6, my marriage will have survived a decade. When I think of the possibility of mechanchaos not being in my life, I feel sadness and a sense of loss. I feel a hole where something's missing, were we to go our separate ways. Yet, I feel less than whole anyways.

Anyhow, we're making no decisions yet. We're talking as much as, if not more than ever. We're considering what options there are, talking about perhaps exploring polyamory. We're talking seriously about what might happen if things don't work out in the long run.

In any case... can any of you recommend some good lesbian pornography? (I have a feeling that mechanchaos and I would both get something out of watching it...) I keep finding crap on the intarwebs where the girls look like they can barely stomach what they're doing. I'd rather see realistic women who look like they know and enjoy what their doing.

Comments

[marared.livejournal.com]

Allow me to mention that I know (or know of) at least three women who identify as one thing, but married the opposite, just because that was what their soulmates happened to be. Two are lesbian, one is hetero. And yeah, there is apparently a lot of confusion and a lot of people around them going "wtf," but that's what felt right for them in the end.

If jealousy isn't an issue, I would definitely recommend exploring poly - have your cake and eat it too, so to speak.

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

In my own beliefs, I don't think the term "soulmate" necessitates a singular individual. I believe that many people can be one another's soulmates. On the other hand, I also believe in the vows I made when I got married. On my nonexistent alien third hand I think poly could have potential.

Not sure what we'll end up doing, but we keep on talking. I try my best to reassure him that I'm not heading off anywhere with anyone. I think we need to examine all the options we can think of, perhaps some we haven't thought of, and try to find the best one out of 'em all.