(no subject)

[felicula]

I doubt I can really explain the entirety of what's been going on in my head for the past few months. Some of you, if you read mechanchaos may have noticed him mention the crux of my issues.

Over time, I seem to be sliding up the Kinsey scale. In other words, I suspect I may be lesbian rather than bisexual.

This... is weird for me to wrap my head around. For fourteen years now, nearly half my life, I have been comfortable with being bisexual. In my heart of hearts, it felt right to me to champion the idea of not having to "pick a side," to uphold love wherever that love might fall.

I'm not entirely certain when I started to shift. Was it the stuff that went down in May? Was it the tragic loss in September? When mechanchaos and I went to several ImageOut films, I noticed that they resonated clearly and vividly with me. I re-examined the relationships I'd held prior to my marriage to mechanchaos. I noticed that I was the most deeply committed in two of my relationships. Both were women. I found myself drawn to and noticing strong women around me. Sexually, I have been having difficulty being aroused by the male body or by a penis.

Even more confusing, I still love and deeply care for my husband, despite my problems in the bedroom. I worry if this is "just a phase" I'm going through. My Mother-in-Law seemed convinced that I felt this way just because I'm still deeply grieving over keepersrosered's death. But that didn't feel like truth when she said it. Yes, I am still grieving. I am not convinced this would not have happened without it as a trigger.

Those Buffy fans among you may recognize the tune in my head. "Where do we go from here?"

I don't have an answer to that. Come January 6, my marriage will have survived a decade. When I think of the possibility of mechanchaos not being in my life, I feel sadness and a sense of loss. I feel a hole where something's missing, were we to go our separate ways. Yet, I feel less than whole anyways.

Anyhow, we're making no decisions yet. We're talking as much as, if not more than ever. We're considering what options there are, talking about perhaps exploring polyamory. We're talking seriously about what might happen if things don't work out in the long run.

In any case... can any of you recommend some good lesbian pornography? (I have a feeling that mechanchaos and I would both get something out of watching it...) I keep finding crap on the intarwebs where the girls look like they can barely stomach what they're doing. I'd rather see realistic women who look like they know and enjoy what their doing.

Comments

Re: I completly understand

[lesyoyo.livejournal.com]

Well, how do we do it? I don't really know how to explain, we just love each other and talk. We cuddle alot and do things that we both enjoy. As far as sexually bridging the gap, well, sex to us is something that we don't do all the time. We are unusual in the sence we go sometime months with out doing anything. Like now the last time was 2 months before Ike hit. We do tell each other often we love each other, kiss, and hold each other. We allow sex to happen when it does natually and not just cause one has an urge and the other doesn't. I feel completly whole with him and don't think I could live with out him.
*hugs back* and I hope this makes since and it is not the type of life everyone can do.

Re: I completly understand

[lesyoyo.livejournal.com]

Oh and for me, I feel time using that energy else where some times. Like working on decorating the house, working on my DP work, writing, and occasionally when my urge will not go away, there is always BOB....lol.