Partly it goes along with the new racism-consciousness and wealthism-consciousness I gained from my latest reading, and part stems from Sunday's sermon at First Universalist. I'm beginning to realize that I see myself as someone more well off and more socially conscious than I really am. So that raises the question, what am I really?
Well, I'm relatively socially awkward. I'm not good at networking or making and maintaining social connections. I am relatively content not having an asston of money. I feel drained when I'm around too many people at once. I'm trying to outgrow a liberal, though racist, upbringing. I'm too uptight around kids, including my own. I'm not comfortable as a leader, preferring ambiguity to action. This is just a list-in-progress... I think the final trigger was checking out the building where one karate camp is located, realizing that I felt awkward, then noticing how pretentious it felt to keep having Subarus on our rather modest budget.
It's as if I want to look like I'm doing better financially than I am, like there's a part of me that feels like I have to live up to my parents' standard of living on a little over a third of their income.
On the other hand, I think it would be refreshing to be able to discard that standard and just be who we are, and in doing so to find deeper respect for other folks.
I can certainly understand at least some of it. I'm trying not to take personally the bit about Subarus, since I drive one of those and did not get it second-hand like you did. In your case, I don't see it as any kind of pretension because it's not like you had a choice in what was handed-down to you. But I also don't think you meant that as a derisive comment in my direction, so I'm not taking it as one. Just making the observation, really.
The rest of it, though... I have felt that way at times too. I definitely try to "fit in" to a more upscale lifestyle at times, but for me it's just one of many masks I wear. And I like to wear them, sometimes. As long as I don't lose sight of who I really am, and I think that's what you're addressing.
I'll be the first to admit.. I'd like to have a more comfortable lifestyle than I (or any of my friends, really) have. I'd like to not end up with less than a couple hundred dollars in the checking account between paychecks, barely better off than living paycheck-to-paycheck. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with that, as long as it never becomes the most important thing in my life. Money has never been the #1 priority for me, and I don't ever want it to be. That's not the person I want to be.
I think taking occasional stock of oneself - past, present, and future - is an important thing to do. I always enjoy reading it when other people (especially those most important to me because I have more of an idea of the "self" they present externally, to compare with what they see internally) do so. :)
I realized lately that it's the suburbanite part of me that wants the more money and the cushier lifestyle. However, there's another side of me that sees a deep merit in learning to live within modest means. It especially hit home to read about just how impoverished a place can be even in this country. My present standard of living is positively decadent in light of that. I'd love to simplify the way I live. Unfortunately I'm somewhat hyperfocused on school stuff at the moment.
*nods* I can respect all of that. It's important to have an awareness of the way life is in other places. What we choose to do about it once we're aware is definitely an individual thing, but I think it's a huge show of character on your part that you are giving this so much thought and that it has affected you so deeply. It shows not only how sensitive you are, but how much you care about your fellow humans.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
From:
no subject
E-mail me, if you don't want to get into more detail in a public post?
*hugs & loves*
From:
no subject
Well, I'm relatively socially awkward. I'm not good at networking or making and maintaining social connections. I am relatively content not having an asston of money. I feel drained when I'm around too many people at once. I'm trying to outgrow a liberal, though racist, upbringing. I'm too uptight around kids, including my own. I'm not comfortable as a leader, preferring ambiguity to action. This is just a list-in-progress... I think the final trigger was checking out the building where one karate camp is located, realizing that I felt awkward, then noticing how pretentious it felt to keep having Subarus on our rather modest budget.
It's as if I want to look like I'm doing better financially than I am, like there's a part of me that feels like I have to live up to my parents' standard of living on a little over a third of their income.
On the other hand, I think it would be refreshing to be able to discard that standard and just be who we are, and in doing so to find deeper respect for other folks.
From:
no subject
The rest of it, though... I have felt that way at times too. I definitely try to "fit in" to a more upscale lifestyle at times, but for me it's just one of many masks I wear. And I like to wear them, sometimes. As long as I don't lose sight of who I really am, and I think that's what you're addressing.
I'll be the first to admit.. I'd like to have a more comfortable lifestyle than I (or any of my friends, really) have. I'd like to not end up with less than a couple hundred dollars in the checking account between paychecks, barely better off than living paycheck-to-paycheck. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with that, as long as it never becomes the most important thing in my life. Money has never been the #1 priority for me, and I don't ever want it to be. That's not the person I want to be.
I think taking occasional stock of oneself - past, present, and future - is an important thing to do. I always enjoy reading it when other people (especially those most important to me because I have more of an idea of the "self" they present externally, to compare with what they see internally) do so. :)
From:
no subject
From:
no subject