(no subject)

[felicula]

The other night, mechanchaos and I were talking. As I followed the conversation and my train of thought, I ended up back at my Dad's death. A week from now it will be a year since he walked in the apartment to pick up Aidan, shocking us all with his jaundiced yellow skin.

To this day it feels awful that my Mom didn't warn me beforehand. We had talked on the phone several times in the week prior. Was she afraid I wouldn't let Aidan visit them? Then again, I might not have... I had a protective streak where I wanted my Dad to take care of himself regardless of what he wanted. Not like he listened when I asked him to get medical attention, though.

As hindsight has it, his liver and kidneys were way too far gone for going to the doctor that weekend to matter anyhow. Rather than spending the time miserable in the hospital, he got a pleasant last visit from Aidan. They went swimming and to the science museum. They got to spend the time as if nothing was going terribly wrong.

In some ways, I am a little envious about that. From the moment I saw my Dad yellow, I couldn't help but be worried. Still, I remember that even I had no idea just what we were in for until kareila posted about her experiences with her grandmother. For as much as her comment floored me at first, I remain deeply grateful for it. It allowed me to be mentally prepared even before my Mom was, though I did share the information with her.

Anyhow, I got another good cry in about it the other night. It is odd how I can go for a month or more without feeling the loss so acutely, then can end up in an overflow of tears at a random shift in my thoughts. People tell me that you do not necessarily get over a loss like this. Life moves on, though, giving me practice and more practice at living in the present and leaving my Dad in the past.

Huh. I had something else to write about. My brain seems to be stuck on the stuff about my Dad.

Wait! I remember...

I think I'm getting sick again. Sore throat - yep. Sinus headache? Oh, so that's what's making it hard to think! Left side of my nose clogged to the point where blowing it doesn't seem to make a difference. My ears feel "thick." Not fun. I guess it's time to restock the tissues and break out the Mucinex. Bleurgh. Maybe I should just go back to bed.

Comments

[phoenixsong]

*hug*

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

***hugback***