(no subject)

[felicula]

I bury my head in video games so much lately. Then I emerge into dealing with other real, in-person humans and all those emotions I don't want to grapple with come flooding back. I spent a good chunk of time last night crying all over again. I feel like I am missing a chunk of myself. Yet there are others who are more deserving of those feelings than I.

Comments

[phoenixsong]

Don't deny yourself your grief. That's like saying I have no right to grieve my grandfather because Grandma was his wife and I wasn't, and she deserves to grieve more than I do. Did you grieve your father less than your mom? Would you expect Aidan to grieve less for John than you would? Of course not. You'll grieve differently, both because of your different relationships, and because you're different people.

You have the right to grieve, however you need to do it, however long you need to do it for. *holds tight and loves*

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

Thing is, my grief is that of a lover even though that part was more than a decade ago.

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

I mean, mechanchaos and I had been so distant from them since moving to Rochester. I think of all the people who were closer, who spent so much time being close to her. I think of amberrattus who had the strength to be who and what she needed. I think of ninepointsatyr who stayed so close a friend to her.

So why is it that I feel like I lost a chunk of myself?

[phoenixsong]

You still love her. *nod* Acknowledge it and embrace it. Better that than to pretend you don't feel that intensely about your loss.

This isn't a contest as to who deserves to grieve and who doesn't. You are grieving; it's an action and a process as much as a feeling. No one -- no one -- has the right to say how you go about it.

Might I also suggest talking to your therapist about this? I'm worried about you. *hug*

[phoenixsong]

You feel how you feel. There doesn't have to be a rhyme, reason, or justification about it. The very fact that you feel like there were loose ends is reason enough to feel an intense loss.

Don't belittle yourself for what you couldn't be for her. You were and are yourself. It's not fair to you, for you to make comparisons.

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

To be honest, I haven't yet found the wherewithal to find a new therapist after things went south with the previous.

[phoenixsong]

Oh...I didn't realize things had gone south in the first place.

Still, this seems like an opportune moment to try again. *huglove*

[hbbtrbbtbcnbt.livejournal.com]

Everything that ecwoodburn just said. *loves and hugs and comforts*

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

[cydira.livejournal.com]

You still love her. That means she still held a part of your heart. It makes sense that you hurt so deeply. Don't judge your grief on the basis of the grief of others or their relationships to her. Pain is still pain, no matter the source of it or the relative size of the wound. We're taught that the pain of a hangnail is less then the pain of a stab wound, but if you look at a kid experiencing these things for the first time, you can see that pain simply is it's own animal. {hugs}

[delleni.livejournal.com]

Tears are the only way to cleanse the soul, and you know it, silly girl. You have a right to your feelings, to your grief, as much as anyone else. They are your gods' given right. Embrace them, and with them, you might find that you are embracing her, too.

And if you need other hugs, you can have all of mine that you want.

On a totally unrelated note, I've been told more than once by our video game friends that you are a really nice and helpful person. Our team leader always says you in particular when we talk about who to bring in our monster-slaying journeys. Just so you know. Even when you're a little cartoon hunter, people still can see how beautiful you are. :)

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

I think the weirdest part for me is the cognitive dissonance I am having between how distant mechanchaos and I had been of late, and how strong my reaction is. I had forgotten that I still love her, until this. I think it makes it that much harder: figuring out that there were feelings inside that weren't conscious to me.

*hugs back*

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

*hugs, and promises to let herself cry when the tears come*

Regarding your "unrelated note": Me in particular? Huh. I wouldn't have pegged myself for particularly helpful in-game. Though last night it was nice to feel like my DPS counted for something. In my own head, game-wise, I try to be unobtrusive for the most part. It's nice to get the gold and the gear from instance runs, but I hope in the meantime I'm earning some skills that might be useful.

Though I definitely wish my in-person self had the figure of my little cartoon hunter....... I need to make an icon for Loori. My Garumph is rather outdated. (He was the level 60 Tauren Warrior I had on Zul'jin on mechanchaos's friend's account back before Burning Crusade.)

[cainers.livejournal.com]

Troll chicks are hawt. No doubt, i mean, not as hot as undead, but its close.

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

Heh. Well, I like my chicks curvier... not as bony. :)