(no subject)

[felicula]

The thrum of my body ought to be familiar, but isn't. The tiny electrical surges of muscle fatigue are known but unwelcome. Sometimes a portion of what I think I know about myself is totally wrong. The Hows and the Whys aren't adding up. Every twitch, every suspicious difference now catches my attention and reminds me that how I think of myself has been altered.

The sun still warms the Autumn breeze. The season's storms still send a thrill of excitement through the core of me. I still smile and laugh at the cats' antics. I still enjoy the same music. I still love my husband, my son, my close friends, and my family. I'm still groggy when the day starts, and invigorated by a warm shower. I still like dark, rich, solid colors. I still consider myself "goth" and "creative" and "pagan". I still think regime change ought to start in the USA. I still appreciate my family, though I'm not always happy with the things they do. I still think bright red maple leaves shot through with yellow and green are a delight to the eyes. I still think love and hugs are two of the most precious things there are. I still enjoy reading. I still like to sing, even though I think my voice is getting rustier by the day. I'm still glad I don't smoke and rarely drink. I'm still proud of myself when I get a project done. I still like it when my husband caresses my back. I still dislike being tickled, even though it sends me giggling to tickle others. I still hate it when I'm not wearing some item of clothing to prevent the chafing of my inner thighs. I'm still scared in large crowds of cookie cutter young people. I can still appreciate a great performance. I still get emotional when I can identify with moving stories, poems, or prayers. I can still lose myself in good music. I still love the company of good friends. I still like the refreshing feel of cool air on my face. It still makes me sad that I don't know my birthparents.

So much is the same. Such a tiny detail has changed, yet I can't seem to look at myself the same way as I used to.

Comments

So much I could not forgive...

[mechanchaos.livejournal.com]

There have been so many things that I thought would be the end of us. So many things that seem so important and far out shadowing other things. The stacking of doubt and not expressing my feelings. Some mysteries can remain mysteries. I am hoping we can heal and move on. In truth I know we are changed. There is the goody two shoes little girl in the back of my mind that says how can this be. How can I bear the shame or it. Its just life. It really humanizes us both and brings cloudy things into view. Thank you for making me laugh today. I have not laughed like that in a while. I love you.

Re: So much I could not forgive...

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

I love you too.

It seems you and I can get bogged down in differences and the individual interests that crop up with so much of our day spent apart. I just don't know how to let go, if I'm not going to know what it is I'm letting go. I know we need to heal and move one, I just know that this is indelibly changing how I think about some aspects of being human. It is such a shift in perception for but one detail.

I liked laughing together too. I hope this can help us rediscover one another anew, even if it takes some creativity to do so. ***holds you close***

[dawnstar.livejournal.com]

And that tiny detail or no, I still love you. You are a wonderful person - beautiful inside and out - and I am incredibly blessed to have you and your wonderful husband and adorably charming son in my life. Please don't forget how much you are loved and appreciated, when you're feeling down and sad. *hugs you tightly, taking full advantage of that subscription*

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

***hugs back just as tightly*** Thank you for that. It helped me feel more human to know that you and the others still care so much. I've been rather introspective about the whole deal, which I know often leaves me feeling melancholy. Still, I have such wonderful memories as seeing your face, and the faces of my other close friends, smiling wide on my birthday. That memory is golden. Even though other details may fade, those smiles and how loved I felt won't. I can't guarantee that that memory won't be overshadowed by strong emotion at times, but it will be in there nonetheless. ***hugs more***

[kolys.livejournal.com]

Of all the things I could say here, not a one has been left out by the prior commentors. The best I can add to this is that on the end of that list of what has not changed is how much we all care for you, and how proud we all feel to call you our friend. For me, someone who can share every up and down with me (mine or theirs) is a very special person, and you're one of a very small number of people to fall into that category.

*hugs*

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

***hugs back, tightly*** It means a lot to me to know that I can both trust and be trusted so deeply. Too much of my past had been spent without that same depth of sharing, even though I value honesty and openness both given and received. Getting to know you, and my other close friends has helped to forge a family of friends that is very precious to me. Thank you. ***more hugs***