(no subject)

[felicula]

The thrum of my body ought to be familiar, but isn't. The tiny electrical surges of muscle fatigue are known but unwelcome. Sometimes a portion of what I think I know about myself is totally wrong. The Hows and the Whys aren't adding up. Every twitch, every suspicious difference now catches my attention and reminds me that how I think of myself has been altered.

The sun still warms the Autumn breeze. The season's storms still send a thrill of excitement through the core of me. I still smile and laugh at the cats' antics. I still enjoy the same music. I still love my husband, my son, my close friends, and my family. I'm still groggy when the day starts, and invigorated by a warm shower. I still like dark, rich, solid colors. I still consider myself "goth" and "creative" and "pagan". I still think regime change ought to start in the USA. I still appreciate my family, though I'm not always happy with the things they do. I still think bright red maple leaves shot through with yellow and green are a delight to the eyes. I still think love and hugs are two of the most precious things there are. I still enjoy reading. I still like to sing, even though I think my voice is getting rustier by the day. I'm still glad I don't smoke and rarely drink. I'm still proud of myself when I get a project done. I still like it when my husband caresses my back. I still dislike being tickled, even though it sends me giggling to tickle others. I still hate it when I'm not wearing some item of clothing to prevent the chafing of my inner thighs. I'm still scared in large crowds of cookie cutter young people. I can still appreciate a great performance. I still get emotional when I can identify with moving stories, poems, or prayers. I can still lose myself in good music. I still love the company of good friends. I still like the refreshing feel of cool air on my face. It still makes me sad that I don't know my birthparents.

So much is the same. Such a tiny detail has changed, yet I can't seem to look at myself the same way as I used to.

Comments

[dawnstar.livejournal.com]

And that tiny detail or no, I still love you. You are a wonderful person - beautiful inside and out - and I am incredibly blessed to have you and your wonderful husband and adorably charming son in my life. Please don't forget how much you are loved and appreciated, when you're feeling down and sad. *hugs you tightly, taking full advantage of that subscription*

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

***hugs back just as tightly*** Thank you for that. It helped me feel more human to know that you and the others still care so much. I've been rather introspective about the whole deal, which I know often leaves me feeling melancholy. Still, I have such wonderful memories as seeing your face, and the faces of my other close friends, smiling wide on my birthday. That memory is golden. Even though other details may fade, those smiles and how loved I felt won't. I can't guarantee that that memory won't be overshadowed by strong emotion at times, but it will be in there nonetheless. ***hugs more***