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[felicula]

I've been waffling on posting about this. Part of me wants to talk the ear off of everyone who'll listen. Part of me wants to shrink in a corner and hide. But cheshire23's post tipped the scale for me.

Those on here who've known me since high school might remember when I came out as bi. My Mom's reaction then was a tight-lipped, "How do you know? How do you know!" This time, mechanchaos by my side, I came out as a lesbian. She did a whole lot of not saying much, but managed to shrug out a, "Well, it's your life." I asked her if she had any questions or wanted to express any feelings about it. She asked mechanchaos what he thought about things.

This week I got a call from my Mom. For the most part it was the general chit-chat of 90% of our calls. Then, "I've been doing some thinking about that conversation we had on Saturday..." She proceeded to tell me that she thinks that I shouldn't do anything that might "traumatize" Aidan, even if that means sacrificing personal wants.

I shut down like a deer caught in the high beams on an otherwise-deserted country road. I'm afraid to ask what kinds of things she assumed would "traumatize" my son. I'm caught between scared about the real feelings my Mom's clamping down on, sad that she might see this as one more way that I'm not the adoptive kid she thought she'd get, and angry that she might think that being lesbian might traumatize Aidan.

Trying to get my Mom to divulge how she really feels is akin to trying to comb the Valley of the Kings for a hitherto-unknown pharoah's hoard.

It could have gone worse, yes. Yet I had hoped for better. *shrugs*

Comments

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

Aidan is 9 this year.

It is definitely tough to face the prospect that I might never really know how my Mom feels, just this nebulous sense that she's biting her tongue. I believe fervently in straightforwardness and honesty, so knowing that she is not straightforward hits below the belt.

Thank you for your support and hugs, I appreciate them. *hugs back*