felicula: A dark image of a week-old tabby kitten sitting in the palm of my hand. (calm felicula)
([personal profile] felicula Feb. 5th, 2009 02:00 pm)


I've been waffling on posting about this. Part of me wants to talk the ear off of everyone who'll listen. Part of me wants to shrink in a corner and hide. But [livejournal.com profile] cheshire23's post tipped the scale for me.

Those on here who've known me since high school might remember when I came out as bi. My Mom's reaction then was a tight-lipped, "How do you know? How do you know!" This time, [livejournal.com profile] mechanchaos by my side, I came out as a lesbian. She did a whole lot of not saying much, but managed to shrug out a, "Well, it's your life." I asked her if she had any questions or wanted to express any feelings about it. She asked [livejournal.com profile] mechanchaos what he thought about things.

This week I got a call from my Mom. For the most part it was the general chit-chat of 90% of our calls. Then, "I've been doing some thinking about that conversation we had on Saturday..." She proceeded to tell me that she thinks that I shouldn't do anything that might "traumatize" Aidan, even if that means sacrificing personal wants.

I shut down like a deer caught in the high beams on an otherwise-deserted country road. I'm afraid to ask what kinds of things she assumed would "traumatize" my son. I'm caught between scared about the real feelings my Mom's clamping down on, sad that she might see this as one more way that I'm not the adoptive kid she thought she'd get, and angry that she might think that being lesbian might traumatize Aidan.

Trying to get my Mom to divulge how she really feels is akin to trying to comb the Valley of the Kings for a hitherto-unknown pharoah's hoard.

It could have gone worse, yes. Yet I had hoped for better. *shrugs*

From: [identity profile] octoberland.livejournal.com


It was very brave of you to do this and I think essential for your spiritual well-being. How old is your son?

"Trying to get my Mom to divulge how she really feels is akin to trying to comb the Valley of the Kings for a hitherto-unknown pharoah's hoard."

I know exactly how you feel and as difficult as it is you might just need to try and accept that it may never happen. Easier said than done I know. It's hard when you know your parents thought/hoped you would be something else. I am personally familiar with that as well. It still makes me sad but I try to remind myself that it isn't my fault they put their own expectations on me. I don't have children so I could be talking out my ass but it seems to me that people should be prepared for their kids to be whatever they end up being instead of pinning particular hopes and dreams on them. Much the same goes for relationships as well.

Anyway, my two cents. It could have gone better but it could have gone much worse and regardless you did the right thing imo. Never sacrifice your happiness or integrity for someone else.

Good luck and hugs.


From: [identity profile] blackfelicula.livejournal.com


Aidan is 9 this year.

It is definitely tough to face the prospect that I might never really know how my Mom feels, just this nebulous sense that she's biting her tongue. I believe fervently in straightforwardness and honesty, so knowing that she is not straightforward hits below the belt.

Thank you for your support and hugs, I appreciate them. *hugs back*

From: [identity profile] cheshire23.livejournal.com


She proceeded to tell me that she thinks that I shouldn't do anything that might "traumatize" Aidan, even if that means sacrificing personal wants.

*tears hair out*

That sort of attitude is exactly - EXACTLY - why I just made that post. Because, you know, all this crap about "flaunting" and "traumatizing kids" and blah blah blah is part of what contributes to LGBTQ teenagers feeling like they are wrong and defective and deserve death.
phoenixsong: An orange bird with red, orange and yellow wings outstretched, in front of a red heart. (Default)

From: [personal profile] phoenixsong


Having been down that route once before with [livejournal.com profile] blackfelicula, I share your rage. And I am really, really glad that she has a bigger support system this time around.

From: [identity profile] blackfelicula.livejournal.com


I wish I knew what she meant by that. She could have meant divorce as traumatic, which I agree it is. On the other hand, if she meant lesbianism as traumatic to Aidan, a strong indignation wells up inside of me.

Too many people get that from friends and family when they try to come out. It hurts, lots.

From: [identity profile] cydira.livejournal.com


*hugs*

You've been very brave and done the best for your boy.

As for the whole 'traumatize' your kid thing, that's just flat out bullshit. You are responsible and safe about your sexuality, which is alot better then a very *large* number of straight people I know. And I think you've every right to feel insulted by that comment.

The idea that it would be 'traumatic' for your son that you have a relationship with another woman is one of the most asinine things that I've heard lately. It ranks up there with some of the horribly abusive things that have been spewed out of my own mother's mouth. Be angry, because it's reasonable and you've got every right to be.

Don't be sad because she needs to face the reality that she can't control who you are. As parents, we contribute to how our children grow up but we don't control it. We need to step back and recognize that they're their own people at some point in time. It's not a failure on your part but rather a failure on *hers*.

I understand the fear thing. I've got several things that I'm terrified to talk to my Mom about because I'm afraid to find out how she feels. Given recent events and my beginning to remember my early childhood with greater clarity, I've decided that the fear is not going to stop me. If I need to discuss with my Mother things like my sexuality, then I will. I'm pretty sure it'll go horribly. The discussion about religion didn't go that well and she's theoretically a Pagan also. *rolls eyes*

Just stick by your guns. You're doing the right thing in being true to who you are. And you are being a wonderful example to your son because he's learning that it's important to be honest with yourself, no matter how hard it is. It's a valuable lesson and you're doing an admirable job of teaching it to him.

*hugs*

From: [identity profile] blackfelicula.livejournal.com


Thank you. *hugs back*

It helps me to know that how I am feeling is not unreasonable. At every step of the way, here at home, I've kept the dialog open with Aidan. At my Mom's house, she tried to keep him out of it. I think that's more traumatic to him than talking about homosexuality straightforwardly.

*hugs again*
phoenixsong: An orange bird with red, orange and yellow wings outstretched, in front of a red heart. (Default)

From: [personal profile] phoenixsong


She proceeded to tell me that she thinks that I shouldn't do anything that might "traumatize" Aidan, even if that means sacrificing personal wants.

The more I think about it, the less surprising her reaction is, given her relationship with your dad and his alcoholism. It probably also took her a while to even make what she did say as coherent as she did. What [livejournal.com profile] octoberland said about the possibility she will never be able to talk to you about it, or accept it, is something to keep in mind.

I think it's also hard for people to wrap their heads around why you and [livejournal.com profile] mechanchaos would stay together, or how poly can work when/because it's consensual rather than cheating and trying to keep it secret. It's a pretty radical idea for a lot of people. I do think it can work, if it's something you two really want to pursue and are willing to commit to making it work.

*hugtight* I'm sorry it didn't go the way you wanted. I'm glad you were able to be honest with your mom. I hope your mom's reaction doesn't keep you down too much, especially if that would keep you and J from doing what's right for you.
phoenixsong: An orange bird with red, orange and yellow wings outstretched, in front of a red heart. (Default)

From: [personal profile] phoenixsong

On second thought: ranty mode on


Also: sadly, a lot of people still seem to think "gay" means "promiscuous," and "openly gay with kids" means "sex in front of kids." Ditto for "polyamorous." Which is in fact bullshit. Funny how no one assumes "straight and madly in love with monogamous spouse" means "lots of sex in front of the kids," but other types of love must automatically mean sex in inappropriate places. It makes me angry every time I hear it. I can't imagine how much worse it must be coming from your own parents.

And if she is still heaping "adopted child not living up to my expectations" guilt on you, that is also bullshit. You're a grown woman, and even if you were her biological child, there would be no guarantee of you turning out the way she approved of. Damn it, she should be proud of how far you've come, and that you have a whip-smart son and a loving husband who is willing to work with you instead of freaking out and abandoning you and/or Aidan over this.

I love you for you. *squish* Your mom is being a doink.

From: [identity profile] cheshire23.livejournal.com

Re: On second thought: ranty mode on


Funny how no one assumes "straight and madly in love with monogamous spouse" means "lots of sex in front of the kids," but other types of love must automatically mean sex in inappropriate places.

Yeah. The one thing I will grant, and this isn't what usually comes to mind, is that adults having constant interpersonal drama isn't exactly healthy for the kids in their care. However, that happens with monogamous people, and sometimes it happens for reasons that don't exactly have to do with sex or romance. (For instance, the Kate fiasco was definitely NOT good for Alex, but other than Kate's annoying crush on me it had nothing to do with sex and it certainly had nothing to do with us being poly.)

In this case the parties in question are clearly going out of their way to avoid constant interpersonal drama at the expense of their child, which I definitely admire and fully support.

From: [identity profile] blackfelicula.livejournal.com

Re: On second thought: ranty mode on


*hugs tightly* Reading this made me feel less alone. Too many people assume that sex is necessarily something to be ashamed about, something to be brushed under the carpet and into the closets where it can fester into rampant perversions.

Not enough people acknowledge sex as normal, healthy, and a part of being human. Too few accept that homosexuality is as much about loving as it is about the gender being loved or the sexual activities pursued in the context of that love.

She doesn't come out and say it about the adopted child stuff. Yet, I get this kind of emotional shrug from her more often than not. Her doting has turned 100% to Aidan. [livejournal.com profile] mechanchaos and I seem to be along for the ride.

I might always be the one striving for an approval that won't be given. *shrugs, hugs more*

From: [identity profile] blackfelicula.livejournal.com


I guess part of me had hoped that my Mom might grow past the tight-lipped silence of life with my Father's alcoholism. I suspect that isn't going to happen. I wanted so much to believe that she was more understanding underneath that layer of our life...

Poly is indeed an uncommon approach. It might not work for us, then again it might. We're not to the point of deciding for sure one way or another whether we want to try it. Personally, I'm not willing to rule it out without due consideration, though.

*hugs back lots* I'm glad I didn't chicken out of saying what I intended to say to my Mom. It would be all too easy to let circumstances wash us downriver from that kind of conversation. I have a feeling this will not be the last time I bring uncomfortable issues to my Mom's feet.

From: [identity profile] flnerd.livejournal.com


I'm just gonna let Holly Near do my talking for me, it seems appropriate to send her words as I'm listening to them while reading your post, "Love don't need a reason, love never asks why, love don't need a reason, love is never a crime..." You know, some pretty fucked up stuff can happen to kids, but if they're surrounded by love, *especially* if they're surrounded by love they end up fine. I can't imagine either you or mechanchaos depriving your son or jeopardizing him of that. What's funny, at least for me, is that you know how lots of people can't understand why someone would come out as lgbtqi? I can't understand why someone wouldn't be okay with it and embrace it - I just don't get it!

However!! If Aidan needs some traumatizing I'd be happy to do it! I've done a great job with Carl thus far!

I know right now is a sucky, tumultuous, uncertain time for you and your family, but I also know it will be ok. You have the support of me and my family, we love you all :) I know you three are strong enough and love each other enough to make it through this.

*HUGS*!!!!!

From: [identity profile] blackfelicula.livejournal.com


*hugs back* Thank you for your support and hugs and smiles. I can see both sides: why someone would be terrified to come out, and why someone would gleefully come out.

If my Mom thinks talking about LGBTQ stuff with Aidan is traumatizing, then I've already irreparably damaged him. *shrugs* What can I say? I don't dumb down or censor my conversations with him. I am frank about sex and sexuality.

From: [identity profile] marared.livejournal.com


As much as it sucks not to be supported by your own mother, you have the rest of us who do. You are the best judge of what's right for your family, not your mother, and you've entered the situation you're in with a great deal of thought. Aidan will certainly have questions, but if he's answered honestly and dealt with the same love and devotion as before - as I know he will - he'll be fine.

From: [identity profile] blackfelicula.livejournal.com


*nods* I wish I had my Mom's support and understanding, but I'm not alone. Thank you.
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