(no subject)

[felicula]

I've been waffling on posting about this. Part of me wants to talk the ear off of everyone who'll listen. Part of me wants to shrink in a corner and hide. But cheshire23's post tipped the scale for me.

Those on here who've known me since high school might remember when I came out as bi. My Mom's reaction then was a tight-lipped, "How do you know? How do you know!" This time, mechanchaos by my side, I came out as a lesbian. She did a whole lot of not saying much, but managed to shrug out a, "Well, it's your life." I asked her if she had any questions or wanted to express any feelings about it. She asked mechanchaos what he thought about things.

This week I got a call from my Mom. For the most part it was the general chit-chat of 90% of our calls. Then, "I've been doing some thinking about that conversation we had on Saturday..." She proceeded to tell me that she thinks that I shouldn't do anything that might "traumatize" Aidan, even if that means sacrificing personal wants.

I shut down like a deer caught in the high beams on an otherwise-deserted country road. I'm afraid to ask what kinds of things she assumed would "traumatize" my son. I'm caught between scared about the real feelings my Mom's clamping down on, sad that she might see this as one more way that I'm not the adoptive kid she thought she'd get, and angry that she might think that being lesbian might traumatize Aidan.

Trying to get my Mom to divulge how she really feels is akin to trying to comb the Valley of the Kings for a hitherto-unknown pharoah's hoard.

It could have gone worse, yes. Yet I had hoped for better. *shrugs*

Comments

[octoberland.livejournal.com]

It was very brave of you to do this and I think essential for your spiritual well-being. How old is your son?

"Trying to get my Mom to divulge how she really feels is akin to trying to comb the Valley of the Kings for a hitherto-unknown pharoah's hoard."

I know exactly how you feel and as difficult as it is you might just need to try and accept that it may never happen. Easier said than done I know. It's hard when you know your parents thought/hoped you would be something else. I am personally familiar with that as well. It still makes me sad but I try to remind myself that it isn't my fault they put their own expectations on me. I don't have children so I could be talking out my ass but it seems to me that people should be prepared for their kids to be whatever they end up being instead of pinning particular hopes and dreams on them. Much the same goes for relationships as well.

Anyway, my two cents. It could have gone better but it could have gone much worse and regardless you did the right thing imo. Never sacrifice your happiness or integrity for someone else.

Good luck and hugs.

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

She proceeded to tell me that she thinks that I shouldn't do anything that might "traumatize" Aidan, even if that means sacrificing personal wants.

*tears hair out*

That sort of attitude is exactly - EXACTLY - why I just made that post. Because, you know, all this crap about "flaunting" and "traumatizing kids" and blah blah blah is part of what contributes to LGBTQ teenagers feeling like they are wrong and defective and deserve death.

[cydira.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

You've been very brave and done the best for your boy.

As for the whole 'traumatize' your kid thing, that's just flat out bullshit. You are responsible and safe about your sexuality, which is alot better then a very *large* number of straight people I know. And I think you've every right to feel insulted by that comment.

The idea that it would be 'traumatic' for your son that you have a relationship with another woman is one of the most asinine things that I've heard lately. It ranks up there with some of the horribly abusive things that have been spewed out of my own mother's mouth. Be angry, because it's reasonable and you've got every right to be.

Don't be sad because she needs to face the reality that she can't control who you are. As parents, we contribute to how our children grow up but we don't control it. We need to step back and recognize that they're their own people at some point in time. It's not a failure on your part but rather a failure on *hers*.

I understand the fear thing. I've got several things that I'm terrified to talk to my Mom about because I'm afraid to find out how she feels. Given recent events and my beginning to remember my early childhood with greater clarity, I've decided that the fear is not going to stop me. If I need to discuss with my Mother things like my sexuality, then I will. I'm pretty sure it'll go horribly. The discussion about religion didn't go that well and she's theoretically a Pagan also. *rolls eyes*

Just stick by your guns. You're doing the right thing in being true to who you are. And you are being a wonderful example to your son because he's learning that it's important to be honest with yourself, no matter how hard it is. It's a valuable lesson and you're doing an admirable job of teaching it to him.

*hugs*

[phoenixsong]

She proceeded to tell me that she thinks that I shouldn't do anything that might "traumatize" Aidan, even if that means sacrificing personal wants.

The more I think about it, the less surprising her reaction is, given her relationship with your dad and his alcoholism. It probably also took her a while to even make what she did say as coherent as she did. What octoberland said about the possibility she will never be able to talk to you about it, or accept it, is something to keep in mind.

I think it's also hard for people to wrap their heads around why you and mechanchaos would stay together, or how poly can work when/because it's consensual rather than cheating and trying to keep it secret. It's a pretty radical idea for a lot of people. I do think it can work, if it's something you two really want to pursue and are willing to commit to making it work.

*hugtight* I'm sorry it didn't go the way you wanted. I'm glad you were able to be honest with your mom. I hope your mom's reaction doesn't keep you down too much, especially if that would keep you and J from doing what's right for you.

[flnerd.livejournal.com]

I'm just gonna let Holly Near do my talking for me, it seems appropriate to send her words as I'm listening to them while reading your post, "Love don't need a reason, love never asks why, love don't need a reason, love is never a crime..." You know, some pretty fucked up stuff can happen to kids, but if they're surrounded by love, *especially* if they're surrounded by love they end up fine. I can't imagine either you or mechanchaos depriving your son or jeopardizing him of that. What's funny, at least for me, is that you know how lots of people can't understand why someone would come out as lgbtqi? I can't understand why someone wouldn't be okay with it and embrace it - I just don't get it!

However!! If Aidan needs some traumatizing I'd be happy to do it! I've done a great job with Carl thus far!

I know right now is a sucky, tumultuous, uncertain time for you and your family, but I also know it will be ok. You have the support of me and my family, we love you all :) I know you three are strong enough and love each other enough to make it through this.

*HUGS*!!!!!

[marared.livejournal.com]

As much as it sucks not to be supported by your own mother, you have the rest of us who do. You are the best judge of what's right for your family, not your mother, and you've entered the situation you're in with a great deal of thought. Aidan will certainly have questions, but if he's answered honestly and dealt with the same love and devotion as before - as I know he will - he'll be fine.